My simple plan to survive workplace incompetence

Photo by Dominik Scythe on Unsplash

According to my boss, we’re one big, happy family. He’s a man who can speak and appeal to all the idiots I work with. He got us a coffee machine which is a lot better than you may have seen at yours. He can and will inspire you with his words of passion about work, stop resisting.

He’s surrounded by cheerful people, always. When I look at him, I see a man who definitely diets and exercises. He’s suspiciously humble and probably gets a haircut every week.

On the far side from his private cabin, I sit with funny people and work that will have to be finished. I have never seen the inside of his office because of the opaque glass door that has some sort of high-end authentication. I probably never will.

My coworkers are full of laughter, you can hear them every hour. A not-so-beautiful coworker across me has a weird laugh and I’m glad she enjoys just about every possible interaction to the fullest. I don’t recall laughing until it hurt. When I was her age, I should have bought Bitcoins, even a few hundred would have been plenty, you doofus!

Here comes the project manager asking me if I can fix more of some ancient code written by people who have all left the company years ago. I often google for them and am greatly disappointed by their success.

But no, I’m not depressed and neither in need of inspiration. All the motivational crap does nothing for me. Ironically, I have survived only through effort and it wakes me up early to work on my side project.

I have simpler plans now. I will build something that will generate enough revenue to pay my rent. Also, groceries and netflix. It will be our secret. Maybe we will start a company too! We will hire all these cheerful people and fire them for incompetence and hire more and fire more until there are no cheerful dipshits in our company. We will sleep when we have to and perhaps have a coffee machine in our cabin that is even better, even better. We will escape this together.

Here comes the project manager…




I was here.

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